“You’re so easy to please and yet so hard to at the same time. You expect a lot of certain things and you don’t for others.”

Hmm, how long has it been exactly since I last posted on this blog? About 4-5 months? Wow, feelings do change as quickly as the wind. I’d say that I love you but I don’t know if I love you enough to be able to say yes if you were to ask me out right here, right now. I don’t know what I feel, to be honest. I don’t know whether or not this is worth fighting for. I don’t know if I see myself with you. But these are just examples of how much I need to start focusing on the present. Not the future, not the past but right here and right now. What’s important is what’s in front of me. 

That’s the problem with me. It’s not even with you. I chose the wrong guy to fall in love with. I chose to fall in love with a guy that I don’t share common interest with. I feel like there’s a girl out there that has the ability to show you that she cares for you and I feel that she can love you unconditionally. Unlike me. I have constant thoughts about whether or not I made the right decision in being in love with a guy that I can no longer talk to. 

None of this makes sense to me and probably not to anyone else who reads this. But this shows just how jumbled up my feelings are. Maybe i’m just stressed out with things. Maybe I need to just take a step back, a break even. But take a break from a break? Doesn’t that just mean that I want out in this relationship? Or whatever you wanna call this? I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel awful having these thoughts but when I start telling myself that you don’t care enough to be bothered by this anyways, why should I feel bad? 

That’s another thing, I stopped feeling like i’m being thought of. I stopped thinking that i’m number one. I stopped thinking that I can fix this. I’m done. I’m not sure what it is that i’m done with but I’m done.

Babe, you’re amazing. I can’t wait to live our future with each other hand in hand.

I guess it’s back to being madly in love with you

And frankly, that’s just how I like it. I missed being giddy for you like this. You’re all I think about and it’s not in frustration or sadness. I’m genuinely happy again. I’m happy about so many things between us, i’m loving it. More importantly, I’m loving you. Thank you God for giving me the will to stick it out longer.

Day 18: 

“Why do you always take pictures of me?” For some reason, I couldn’t give you an answer the other day but now I know why. I always want to capture moments with you. It’s for my own benefit, if I could…I’d capture every minute I have with you. But you don’t like that so I try to do it from time to time. I hope you don’t find it annoying when I do but seeing all these pictures of you and all the great times we’ve had together, it just makes me realize how much I love being around you. I know i’m constantly contradicting myself when it comes to my relationship with you but please try and look beyond that. I want to be with you, I want to be able to capture more moments with you and I want more than anything for us to keep this going. Not this but what we had before. I just can’t let go of the past, I’m tired of trying because I know that it’s simply not gonna work. 

Talking to Angelina the other night (Friday night) made me realize so many things. I’m so grateful that she really helped me out. It’s actually rare for her to give me such a good advice that I can actually take. She’s gone through a similar situation herself. It’s time I keep a safe distance from Marvin once in a while. 

Day 17:

Had a really great time with Marvin at the movies, we watched Breaking Dawn. “It’s like a first date all over again.” I wish that it could just always be like that. I can’t wait to get my license so I can spend even more time with him and the same with him. I’m not ready to try and fall out of love with him but I am ready to keep a safe distance. Be my own person and not depend on hi by my side every step of the way. Independence will do me good. 

Talk about awkward.

Kyle stopped talking to me after I said something along the lines of “did I just make it awkward?” and he said “kinda :P” and I go, “hahah my bad”. Sorry for being super awkward and sorry that I hate when people randomly reply late and not say anything about it. Same thing with Marvin. He pisses me off with not replying until days later. Wtf. He never used to do this. I guess i’m just a spoiled brat because he turned me into it. It’s not my fault. 

I really don’t know what’s gonna happen between me and you. I just know that maybe in the future we can still try it but for now, let’s try and experience being independent. Happy thanksgiving, I hope you have a great one<3

Day 14: 

Lol another fun night full of entertaining conversations with Kyle.